Onwards.

Not too long ago I wrote a post entitled: ‘If depression was a person’, a letter in which I wrote to my depression detailing how it made me feel and how I know I will always be strong enough to override it despite it’s obstacles. Since feeling in a rut I’ve been able to gradually feel more positive by keeping occupied and making near future plans. Currently I am unemployed due to my move abroad. This time next year I suppose I will be working again or at least in a place of education. For now I want to focus on me, doing the cliché act of ‘finding myself’. I never went to university (-mainly due to wanting to learn through work rather than via a lecture room; financial issues also played a part in this decision), so I never truely experienced that ‘exploration’ stage between the ages of 18-21. In all fairness, I’m not a party girl. If I was to go to university I’d use my education opportunities wisely by not focusing too much on socialising.

I am well aware that I can be an introvert, but working in the UK’s primary education system taught me to step out of my comfort zone. My age occasionally barried me from being regarded as reliable or ‘knowing what I am doing’; though as soon as I was faced with being a main role model to children and trainees I found that more experienced, older adults would come to be for advice and guidance. I never expected that to happen. I was delighted that I had/have a purpose: helping others. I found that the colleagues and peers around me were more mature by age, but I worked well in harmony with them much more effortlessly than with people my own age.

I’ve started to see that there is two sides to my personality. I can act my age, being somewhat immature and of course I don’t know everything (-learning is a lifelong process) then other the other hand, I can take lead forgetting my shyness and people can confide in me. When trying to better myself, I for some reason have my old school report comments rushing through my head. All my school life teacher’s would write something along the lines of ‘needs to be more confident’, ‘lacks confidence’, ‘target is to speak up in class’. I’m not saying those teacher’s made me be shy or socially anxious, but to me those particular words they chose felt that same as repeatedly being told ‘you aren’t ‘alright’ in the head’, ‘you are a bad person who needs to correct themself’. Evidently, I don’t take criticism lightly. One of my biggest attributes is being able to emphasise/sympathise with people, so I knew that the teacher’s or bosses were giving me constructive criticism in a kind way of wishing me well in my development through life, steering me in the right direction. Nowadays I’m trying to focus on the compliments people give my, they outweigh the negative. I’m not such a useless person afterall.

Comparing myself to others is not the way forward in dealing with depression. I slip-up now and again convincing myself that in comparison to my boyfriend I am talentless and unintelligent. I must see that I am more equipped in different aspects. Just because I can be straightforwardly artistic, that doesn’t neccassarily mean I don’t have a creative mind. I can’t sing, dance, play an instrument, have a degree but I have the advantage of being able to connect with people even if it means having to suffer some anxiety each time I’m in the presence of someone new; not everyone is good with communication and listening to others.

In conclusion, I’m going to await my future in excitement. I shall step forward into my physical, mental and emotional journey with the colour of sunny yellow in mind.

One thought on “Onwards.

  1. Sounds like you have some good self-knowledge about what helps and what doesn’t with your depression and anxiety. I imagine being in South Korea is quite a challenge in itself. Keep being kind to yourself and focussing on small things that feel good. I hope your writing helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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