Ambitions.

Today I decided I needed a change of scenery; by that I mean blogging from outside the comfort of my apartment and away from my two feline friends. Well, I say ‘change of scenery’ but coming to cafés is something I literally do almost very day for English tutoring. Today however I have come to ‘The coffee bean’ in Guwol-dong, Incheon on my own accord. I came here with the intention to solely concentrate on writing in hope of completing two to three blog posts; although to be trueful now that I have arrived I’ve lost a significant amount of the motivation I went to bed with last night. I think the lack of energy and unwilliness to be productive is a result of a poor night’s sleep, and I’m feeling a tad lonely all of a sudden. Regardless of my sudden, slight serge in negativity I aim to discuss something that as of late has repeatedly been playing on my conscience: Hopes and dreams.

I think it’s natural to be overly concerned about personal goals in life, and how to attain stability and regularity in whichever sense that may be; especially during our early Twenties to mid-thirties. The question of ‘What do you want to achieve in life?’ has become rather bothering, infact I dread answering it. Whilst I’m living abroad I’m meeting new faces often and out of curiosity I get asked about myself and my purpose for being in Korea. There’s two ways of answering this question: I habitually say something along the lines of ‘I came here to be with my partner’ or ‘I wanted to experience life outside of the UK’, but other than that, why am I here? Due to several factors I’m limited to what I can do whilst in Korea, i.e. visa restrictions, qualifications, the language barrier for instance. Whereas these limitations are valid, it has become apparent that I have been living for someone else rather than myself. I have put their needs and ambitions as first priority above my own in almost every given situation that requires a major decision or change. Then again, I don’t and don’t think I will ever live life with a self-centered mindset; yet I now understand the importance of living equally (i.e. myself being equally as important as the other person). I need to like myself for them to love me, or at least stay in love with me.

With love and relationships aside, I want to focus on nattering about my hopes and dreams specifically. I clearly can recollect my initial goal in life. I desperately wanted to be a Veterinary nurse: this persisted until the age of 14 when I then decided, with my low confidence, that I was too unintelligent to follow that career path. After doing the mandatory 2 weeks worth of work experience at the age of 15, I then revalued what I wanted to do after college. I wanted to be a Teaching Assistant. Aged 18 I received my Diploma in Childcare & Education; a course which touched-on social science, health care and developmental/behavioural psychology. I had the grades to at least get a conditional offer at Greenwich University or Goldsmith’s University (these being the common choice of university among residents in South East London). As much as I liked learning within a typical education facility, I went for an alternative option; that being heading straight into the world of work. It wasn’t so much about making money as soon as possible, it was moreso about developing my self-confidence and self-esteem through interacting with colleagues of all different ages in addition to being responsible for the safety of 30 or more children. I don’t regret taking this route. I learnt alot about myself and gradually grew a bit more mature. I felt that continuing the education route and study routine would hinder this as anyone with social anxiety, myself included, thrive off of familiar patterns in daily tasks and environment. On the other hand, I probably should attend University before I have a child in order to widen my range in opportunities for work.

Is it wrong of me to say I haven’t entirely decided what I want to achieve in life? I truely feel like I will always be someone who wants to chop-and-change the direction I take in life: both location and career. As millennial minded as this sounds, I think nowadays there are too many options to choose from. There’s new types of jobs being created, or are becoming in demand. Most likely I will return to some line of work relating to Primary education. I can be Teaching Assistant again, hopefully for a longer period of time or I can climb the ladder to be a teacher, speech therapist, children’s councillor, etc. Half of me would like to test the waters of something completely different.

I’ve always loved interior design, so training in this field could be on the cards and would tie in nicely with taking professional patisserie classes for leading to an opening of my own café/bakery – too far fetched? Maybe. Plus publishing at least one book always arises. The possibilities simply seem endless.

I’m confused. I have conflicting thoughts on the subject in matter. One thing I’m sure of, is I need to stop feeling useless just because I haven’t got my life sorted out at the age of 23. I shouldn’t fall into peer pressure or social standards/expectations. I can’t allow myself to be dormant in productiveness, in the same moment not feel guilty or worthless because I’m not yet actively writing the novel I hope to publish someday. For now I’m content with blogging frequently. It seems like writing freely about a multitude of topics is a efficient way to developing writing and language skills. Besides, I’m trying alot harder than during my previous episodes of depression. I’m pleased with myself, even if no one else is.

🥀

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